I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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