it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
