I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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