Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
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