awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
