I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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