She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
