why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
All the doctor said was why
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
