Will you blow on my dice?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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