Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
