yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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