he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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