she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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