The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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