mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
