I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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