i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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