I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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