i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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