I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
