What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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