i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
