He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
