my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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