I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
