Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
