Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Randomize
