did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
