can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize
