If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
