John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
