I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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