So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
