i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize