the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
