I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
