Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
