I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
