mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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