Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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