before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize