I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
