party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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