There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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