Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He shit in the fireplace
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
