a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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