If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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