remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
