Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she smelled like a LAN party
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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