I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i love accidental penises.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
