if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
