Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
