pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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