i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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