Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
