I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
