I'm gonna have a badass scar
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
