I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
