My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
